I also did a lot of growing personally during that time. If you don't know my background, I came from an abusive home. Many times as a child I wasn't allowed to have my own feelings. I was too often told how to feel, told when to smile, and always told to get over "it". "It" was usually some form of physical pain accompanied by verbal assault. Not really something you can just get over in a matter of seconds. My whole life, in one way or another, I had been hearing "get over it" without having the proper tools on how to get over it. Something about preparing to live in the country and actually living in the country on a farm was freeing. I feel like God used that time to teach me that I had a voice. He taught me that I had choices and that I could in fact make those choices without worrying about what others would think. In the end what mattered was what God thought. That had never really occurred to me before. Most of my adult life my choices have been thoroughly questioned by others. Maybe well meaning others, but generally I walked away feeling like I was stupid for whatever they were questioning me about. When you are 21 and get married to a man seven years older than you with 3 children then go on to have 6 children and adopt a teenager, you get ALL the questions, judgment and ridicule. So before moving to the farm it never really occurred to me that I only needed to consult my husband and my God. Really it was a weight off my shoulders. I needed not to worry about what others thought about me or the road that God was leading me down.
But the biggest and most important thing God taught me in 2016 was that I wasn't doing as well as I thought I was. I had this certain area in my life that I really struggled with for a while. By "struggled" I mean at one point I flat out refused to even consider doing what the Bible called me to do. Since I've gotten older and had a best friend guide me in this area I had grown a ton in the last few years. I bet if you had asked Jeff he would have even said I was doing a good job in this area. If you had asked me if I had that area down I would have said "yes". But God showed me different and even then I argued with Him. For those of you that know me you know I can be pretty hard-headed, so the fact that I argued is probably no surprise to you. In April of 2016 when Jeff was on his mission trip to Kenya God and I had a little conversation. It went something like this.
Me-I really need to sleep can you please make me sleep?
Him-You need to let go and submit.
Me-...what? I am submissive.
Him-You need to stop holding him (Jeff) back.
Me-...WHAT? He's in Kenya right now, I'm not holding him back, I just keep him level-headed.
Him-You need to let go and follow him.
Me-But I don't want to move to Kenya.
Him-You need to stop holding him back and follow him.
I just wanted to sleep! My husband was 9,000 miles away, the dogs were barking, I was hearing noises, it was 4 am and I was starting to worry/freakout/panic. Instead of sleeping I was learning...learning that an area I thought I had "mastered" I was still weak in. Though I had grown leaps and bounds in that area I still needed more growth. So for the next several minutes I cried. I cried because I knew that meant I had to say goodbye to my happy place, friends and family. In that moment I knew we would be moving to Kenya. For me I feel like that is every area of my life...if I think I have it mastered then I'm just missing something. God taught me to always be looking to grow and learn more.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6