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Poverty is bondage

Poverty. What is it?

  Is it being so poor all you have in life is a meal or two of ground corn and have school in a mud wall buildings and live in mud wall homes, like the many we help at AFM Mercy School in Kenya?

Some might define it as having barely enough to survive in life. Some might say it's being too poor to afford your own means of transportation like a car or motorcycle or bicycle. It seems to be defined relative to a persons personal state of peace or satisfaction.

our Kenyan children of AFM Mercy School

our Kenyan children of AFM Mercy School

I think an accurate definition of poverty is where a person is entrapped in some misery by life's circumstances, and no matter how hard they work, they cannot move beyond that place of misery! They need a rescuer to help set them free. Poverty is a form of Slavery. Slaves need redeemers! 

But the greatest poverty of all is a life without Jesus Christ as your Savior and Master. He alone can set us free from the poverty of sin and death! Every man, woman and child was born into Satan's slavery.

But we; We were created to run free with our Maker; to walk in the goodness of his righteous light!

Your sins have bound you in utter poverty, but Christ is the Redeemer who will break your chains and wash you clean! If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. -1 Jn 1:9

Christ said,

“The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, for he has anointed me to bring Good News to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim that captives will be released, that the blind will see, that the oppressed will be set free, and that the time of the Lord ’s favor has come. ”

 Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”

These words of Elevation Worship say it well. 

Are you hurting and broken within?
Overwhelmed by the weight of your sin?
Jesus is calling
Have you come to the end of yourself
Do you thirst for a drink from the well?
Jesus is calling

O come to the altar
The Father's arms are open wide
Forgiveness was bought with
The precious blood of Jesus Christ

Leave behind your regrets and mistakes
Come today there’s no reason to wait
Jesus is calling
Bring your sorrows and trade them for joy
From the ashes a new life is born
Jesus is calling

O come to the altar
The Father's arms are open wide
Forgiveness was bought with
The precious blood of Jesus Christ

O come to the altar
The Father's arms are open wide
Forgiveness was bought with
The precious blood of Jesus Christ

Oh what a savior
Isn't He wonderful?
Sing hallelujah, Christ is risen
Bow down before Him
For He is Lord of all
Sing Hallelujah, Christ is risen

Oh what a savior
Isn't He wonderful?
Sing hallelujah, Christ is risen
Bow down before Him
For He is Lord of all
Sing Hallelujah, Christ is risen

O come to the altar
The Father's arms are open wide
Forgiveness was bought with
The precious blood of Jesus Christ

O come to the altar
The Father's arms are open wide
Forgiveness was bought with
The precious blood of Jesus Christ

Bear your cross as you wait for the crown

Tell the world of the treasure you found

 

(Luke 4:18‭-‬19 NLT

http://bible.com/116/luk.4.18-19.NLT  Matthew 11:28‭-‬30 NLT

http://bible.com/116/mat.11.28-30.NLT

O Come to the Alter, Elevation worship  https://youtu.be/rYQ5yXCc_CA )

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The Difficult work of Ministry

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The Difficult work of Ministry

As director of a non-profit ministry sometimes the most difficult thing to do is to know when to tell people about needs and to ask for their financial help. I personally get tired of hearing people asking over and over again for financial help, so I certainly don't like being the one who becomes that burden to other people! Yet needs...

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praying alignment with God

Lord,

Let me lament for forgetting daily to come to you,

and cleanse me from the deceit of bringing my heart to a duty because the act pleased me or appealed to reason.

Grant that I may be salted with suffering with every enactment tempered to my soul,

every Rod excellently fitted to my back,

to chastise, humble, break me.

Let me not overlook the hand that holds the rod,

as you did not let me forget the rod that fell on Christ

and drew me to him.

 

May it be Lord. amen.

 (adapted from Valley of Vision, Christian Calling)

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1 Peter 4

12Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. 13But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. 14If you are insulted because of the name of Christ, you are blessed, for the Spirit of glory and of God rests on you. 15If you suffer, it should not be as a murderer or thief or any other kind of criminal, or even as a meddler. 16However, if you suffer as a Christian, do not be ashamed, but praise God that you bear that name. 17For it is time for judgment to begin with God’s household; and if it begins with us, what will the outcome be for those who do not obey the gospel of God? 18And,

“If it is hard for the righteous to be saved,

what will become of the ungodly and the sinner?”a

19So then, those who suffer according to God’s will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good.

1 Peter 4

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God protects his own

“Simon, Simon, look out! Satan has asked to sift you like wheat. But I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail. And you, when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.”Luke 22:31‭-‬32 HCSB

I find this interaction between Christ and the disciples fascinating and very comforting because of the truth that is being revealed here. Holy Spirit is speaking and I pray we are listening.

Upon further study, due to dual use of the English word 'you', in most English translations, it seems as though Jesus is only talking to Peter, but he is speaking to all the disciples. Although Jesus begins by calling out Simon Peter to listen up, when he says "Satan has asked to sift you like wheat", the Greek word for 'you' here is plural!  It's more like our 'you all' we use when we want to be clear we're referring to everyone. This is why the NET Bible translates it more clearly saying this in vs 31, "Simon, Simon, pay attention! Satan has demanded to have you all, to sift you like wheat ". Then in the next verse he is redirecting his words back to Peter again, because the next 'you' is singular! This would be hard to detect in most more literal translations without Greek study notes. But some more dynamic translations help by adding the clarifying words...as you can see above. Also we can deduct Jesus is redirecting to Simon Peter with the second you because we read the following context of Peter denying Christ. But the NET makes the true Greek stand out better saying vs 32 like this  in saying Simon's name," but I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. When you have turned back, strengthen your brothers." These are the reasons it's good to read multiple Bible Translations if you are able...and in the English language we are truly blessed with many!

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Now why is this important? Well because a major truth is being made known here; an important reassuring one at that! Jesus is saying that the devil has to get permission for what he does against us. If Satan had his way, he would totally destroy and torment every Christian alive! But Jesus said Satan came to God seeking permission to put all the disciples through serious tribulation and temptation; to "sift them like wheat! " Jesus then reassured Simon that he interceded for him and he would come back from his failed testing. Implying that he gave Satan permission to go after Simon Peter only for reasons God determined. That in itself is faith building. But this is even more blessed...Jesus is telling us that Satan has no power to act, except that which God allows him to do! (Luke 10:17)

If you face trials and temptations from the devil, God not only knows, but He has allowed it!  And for his good purposes in our lives!

While some may be upset at this statement of truth that God is allowing our sufferings to happen; those who haven't really "tasted and seen that God is good",  I for one, as many of you, have come to see the way our God is our Savior! He makes beauty from ashes; He humbles us, helps us to die, breaks us down, in order to raise us up in glory, and give us new Life to make us beautiful in His time.  His perfected members of his Bride, the Church!!

Psalm 84:11 declares, "For the LORD God is our sun and our shield. He gives us grace and glory. The LORD will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right."

I believe this!  I know this in my own life! God is our sun, meaning our source of provision for all our need, and He is our shield, meaning our defender, our protector!  And nothing is withheld from us that is good and right!  Now this is usually only thought of in the most pleasant of ways, but in reality for a child to grow and mature, we parents have to enact testing and trials as a means of discipline to help our little ones develop and not be spoiled and of little use. So when God allows Satan to hurt you and test you, which clearly is only done under God's permissions, then this too is a GOOD thing! His careful limits, watchful eyes and heart of love for us helps us grow into the people he requires us to be. It is not evil or bad. No nothing that comes into the life of a Believer is ultimately bad, no matter how painful or terrible it may seem at the time. God's Word says "Endure suffering as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father?" -Heb 12:7 Yes I take great comfort in this powerful truth, that Satan and his demon hordes cannot touch me, except for that which is filtered through the hands of my loving Father who wants to make me perfected for his Son; to be like him... and will never abandon me nor forsake me! (Heb 13:5) God really is in control... And He is for me, not against me! (Rom 8:31) This is exactly where I always want to be! What about you?  Do you know the perfect Father God? (Ps 18:30)

These life tests will prove whom are His...  Or not. Those that fall away, sadly are proven to not have ever "known" the heart of God as lover of their soul, may it not be so about you. Do you 'know' Jesus. If you do, the Spirit will cry out in you to Father God, "Abba, Father" ! (Rom 8:15)

May the peace of Christ fill you as you meditate on this life-changing truth.

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Deceptively close to heaven.

Did you know a person can believe in Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior and still not be saved? Many people have been belief and had preached into them these Biblical truths: "Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and be saved" as quoted fromActs 16:31, or from Christ's own words in John 3:16, "God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believes in him shall not perish but have everlasting life", as well as other Scriptures that say salvation comes by "faith (belief) alone" and it's not as a result of works as clearly explained in Ephesians 2:8-9. These statements are absolutely true! It is only by faith we are saved, and only by belief that God redeems us and adopts us into his eternal family as heirs with Christ! We cannot earn any of it.

So what am I saying? I am here to tell you that some of the most hideous heresies come from taking Bible passages out of context of the whole counsel of God as given by the Holy Spirit inspired Word. While is it true Jesus and Paul and all the new testament writers spoke much about the fact that God saves those who "believe", we must absolutely know, teach and preach how God defines belief! Jesus and the Apostles all wrote much about what this faith is. It's not enough to bark out one line Bible quotes like these 3 verses above if we do not very clearly define Biblical Faith as Scriptures define it.

All sorts of well meaning people have "Faith", but are lost and still in their sins.  We love to make pretty signs and symbols that say "Believe" or "Have Faith" or talk about the 1st Corinthians 13 concluding statement of the greatest attributes to possess as Faith, Hope and Love!

But we must be very diligent and very careful to not let these words stand alone and be defined by every person's whims! They are useless and meaningless left on their own. We cannot and MUST not assume other people know what the heck we are talking about when we say, "Just have Faith"!

There are two types of Faith according to Christ. One type that deceives and one type that saves. Jesus made it clear many times what saving faith really is, and what kind of love is good, and what type of hope is ultimately beneficial and of lasting value.

You see you can have faith in God for the wrong things. You may hope in the wrong things and you may have love for the wrong things. It's not enough to say Faith- Hope- Love and sing Kumbaya and let's all get along.

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Jesus came to bear a CROSS, and so too must YOU, if he is to be YOUR master.  Many people are just "fans", but few are the "followers". Here is the difference in people who believe and are not saved and those who believe and are saved. True Biblical faith is repentant faith. True faith is humble faith. True faith is obedient faith. It's not perfect faith, we all stumble, and God is gracious, but real saving faith costs us greatly.  Matter of fact, it costs you your entire life. Jesus said, If anyone wants to come after me, he must deny himself, take up his cross and follow me. (Mark 8:34)

Here again Jesus is telling us clearly that you can believe and do all sorts of great things, but be as lost as any sinner in hell! Listen closely to his words. 

“Not all those who say ‘You are our Lord’ will enter the kingdom of heaven. The only people who will enter the kingdom of heaven are those who do what my Father in heaven wants. On the last day many people will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, we spoke for you, and through you we forced out demons and did many miracles'. Then I will tell them clearly, ‘Get away from me, you who do evil. I never knew you'. “Everyone who hears my words and obeys them is like a wise man who built his house on rock. It rained hard, the floods came, and the winds blew and hit that house. But it did not fall, because it was built on rock. Everyone who hears my words and does not obey them is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. It rained hard, the floods came, and the winds blew and hit that house, and it fell with a big crash.”   -Matthew 7:21-27 NCV. Hearing is a form of belief here, but effective belief is that which compels us to obey.

"Whoever has my commands and keeps them is the one who loves me. The one who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love them and show myself to them." Jhn 14:21. ('Has' is the belief and 'keeps' is the obey)

Conclusion is this: Jesus is telling us that by faith we alone are saved; yes this is true, but faith has feet; it follows and obeys him.

A quick nutshell Gospel message and way to more accurately quote John 3:16 in Biblical context is like this: define belief biblically by adding obediently for clarification. "God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son that whoever believes (has obedient faith) in him shall not perish, but have everlasting life."

When you first have faith, real faith, it comes by Holy Spirit new birth, then this same Spirit God leads you into dying to self and living for Jesus.  If this is not your life experience; If your love for Jesus is not a compelling drive to sacrifice your life for him and seek out ways to better serve him, you too may be an idol lover, and your love may well be in vain. Many lost Hindus love Jesus and have shrines dedicated to him in their homes and pray to him also.

Examine your hearts and your lives. Don't be fooled by 'out of context' Bible passages that get you close to heaven, but never really knowing the this living God that demands you bear your cross, just as he bore his.

You don't have to be among those who hear, "Depart from me, I never knew you!"

Repentance and obedience is in order for us today and tomorrow. Just as you received Christ Jesus as LORD, so walk in him... Those who 'know' him, who received him in repentant humble obedient faith must go daily in this attitude.  Teach others likewise and preach a complete Gospel message, lest you lead others deceptively close to heaven, but never helping them enter in.

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Coconut gods

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Coconut gods

When you describe only one attribute of someone, are you actually describing that person, or are you creating a false image of them? Lets make an analogy.  A man became stranded on a tropical island with no fresh water and he was about to die, but he had a two-way radio with signal in which I could communicate with him, and let's assume I knew for a fact that that island had coconut trees with water filled coconuts and it was the right season for young coconuts, but that man knew very little about coconuts and the life-giving water found inside.

 

coconut shell

Say I talked to him and told him about how wonderful coconuts were.  That coconuts are brown on the outside and have this fibrous husk and wood-like shell, and maybe I talked about how the coconut can be made into nice little wooden bowls.  Would I be doing that poor thirsty person any good?  No, not unless it rained before he died! If I told him coconut is wood, and certainly they are wood all over; would I be giving that person a real and accurate view of what a coconut really was?   It's inaccurate to tell someone a coconut is wood only, it's a partial or a functionally incomplete description the thing called a coconut and its benefits. Actually quite a useless conversation to that person dying of thirst. Although it's really not inaccurate to say coconuts have fibrous hard shells; to say that only in describing a coconut to someone who does not know what a coconut is, would be a part-truth that is in reality a deception or a lie; a distortion of truth. A false image. The image I described above in reality is a false image of what a coconut really is.

In this story above, not only is it a twisting of truth, it's downright evil, because I have knowledge of the truth of how that coconut could save his life, but I did not inform and help him find the full useful truth of that coconut. Truth is vitally important to someone who does not know enough of it.  Coconuts are so much more than wood!  Wood is one of many attributes of a coconut. Coconuts are full of water and nutritious fleshy food also. Their husks make great firewood for cooking and warming . Later in their cycle they can be pressed into beneficial oils.  There are many attributes of coconuts.  Nothing at all what you would think if all you knew was what I said above.

What am I getting at?

Many well-meaning people today are giving a false reality of who God is and the Gospel of Jesus Christ. God has made it very clear. He hates falsehood! He hates false images being made of him, misrepresenting him as something lopsided or one dimensional emphasizing only the attributes of which we prefer for our own selfish reasons!  God spoke long ago and even coded it into the law given Moses .  "You shall not make for yourself an idol, or any likeness of what is in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the water under the earth." (Ex 20:4).  Then Jesus Christ himself repeated this timeless truth when he spoke to the woman at the well in John 4:23-24 when he said,"But the hour is coming, and is now here, when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for the Father is seeking such people to worship him. God is spirit, and those who worship him must worship in spirit and truth."

Truth.  God wants us to know him in truth, through the empowerment of his Spirit  though our spirits. Truth is so important because if we misrepresent

watery coconut

it in some important way as to leave someone with a twisted or one-sided view of God, then they like the man above in the fictional story, will likely perish.

We need to care about people enough to tell them the truth about God as graciously as possible. I recently watched the TV special of "The Passion" play, hoping in vain that truth about Jesus Christ might be brought out in such a way as to demonstrate what the love of God was all about some 2000 years ago when Jesus died for us. I turned off the TV feeling so incomplete and unfulfilled.  It really only spoke of Gods love in a confusing way and for us to love our fellow man and basically all get along.  They all sang familiar hit songs of modernity that wrought out human emotions and many were in tears watching and enjoying what they felt was the Love of God on display. But was it really?

What we saw on TV that day was a false image, an Idol. The very thing God hates! The Gospel of Christ and the passion of which it was conceived and brought forth in to living flesh was only done in response to the eternal holiness and justice of God Almighty! Yahweh, God I AM, cannot and will not let the guilty go unpunished. Listen to what God said about himself to Moses: “The Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness,  maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished; he punishes the children and their children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation.” (Ex 34:6-7)

This God of love, who is very much described as Love throughout the Bible, is also the God from which all mankind must learn to tremble...tremble...TREMBLE! He is high and lifted up in extreme searing holiness! Even the demons bow before Jesus and tremble in fear!  (James 2:19) But rarely does proud and arrogant man. No. We just want to add Jesus to our portfolio of niceties and love songs to make us feel happily deluded so we can go about our way living as we so please. But God, he is a perfect God in whom no darkness exists ( 1 John 1:5) and who requires each and every one of us to likewise be perfect as He is perfect (Matt 5:48) in order to not face judgement to a life in eternal fire punishment! (Matt 13:42)  The Word of God says, "Our God is a consuming fire!" (Heb 12:29)  The Gospel is good news of God!  But good news about what? It is in the Gospel we come to see the true love of God and what HE did to rescue us.  But what was Jesus really rescuing us from?  Was it from Satan and hell?  Sure..but what is hell and what is the power of Satan over us?  It's quite simply the justice of God being worked out in our lives for all our lawlessness and rebellion....for our sins. There was only one mention of the word sin on that Passion TV show that I heard when Perry said Christ came to save from our sins. But in this world, who knows what this means?  No one speaks of it anymore. We are all told we are basically good people who just need a little direction and love of God in our lives. Who doesn't want love?  Sure we all like that. But what we do not like is to be told we are sick and utterly ruined and depraved to the  core! But without this part of the Truth, we will not repent and we will accept a false vision of God, not God at all, but a coconut god, an Idol. Yet this is what we are and this is why Jesus came to die. He humbled himself and the majestic Son of God became like one of us to die and become the perfect sacrificial Lamb of God to atone for our evil doings.Without the shedding of pure blood there is no forgiveness of sin! (Heb 9:22) God alone could only do this because no person, no not one of us is good and thus are unable to save ourselves from the very righteous ANGER from God over sin (Rom 3:10); God the very One who created us in love  to know him intimately and be his children. God's love compelled him to do this for us, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us!  (Rom 5:8) This is the real God of the Bible.  The God who hates sin, and the God who came and died for our sins, and then proved his power over sin and death and rose victoriously from the grave on that Resurrection Sunday! Do you really think God would go to all that extreme measure if He did not  both love His holiness and his people? Gods blood took place of our eternal punishment! Christ paid the price and took the blows from the justice of God the Father! This God demands holiness. You must likewise be holy in order to live. Come before him unclean and you perish forever in Gods burning wrath! So by God's grace and love he did for us what we could not ever do. He spilled his own atoning blood.

But... But not everyone has their sins atoned.  While the blood of Christ is enough to atone for all peoples sins, only those who choose to follow Jesus by surrendering their life to him and be his forever slave will find this great and eternal Salvation and be set free!  Jesus said it in many ways, but in a succinct manner in John 3:16 " God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son that whosoever believes in him shall not perish, but have everlasting life."  But it is not enough to leave it at that one summary statement, we must hear the full counsel of Gods Word and the teachings of Jesus and see the bigger picture of truth so we do not end up with a crazy coconut belief about God.   Jesus explained what it means to believe and he demonstrated it. He said “If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple. And whoever does not carry their cross and follow me cannot be my disciple."(Luke 14:26)  Belief means obeying and following Jesus as Master and owner, forsaking all else as of little importance compared to him. This is the Jesus of Calvary who died for us!  This is the God who calls us to "repent" and have obedient faith! When we fall on our knees before him willing to surrender it all to him, then we are given the new life of the Spirit, born-again into the eternal family of God with new power to overcome sin and live for Him. This is what the Gospel is about, humbling ourselves before God so that HE will then lift us up! This is love, not that we loved him, but that he loved us first and called us out from among sin and death to live no longer for ourselves, but for him who was crucified and rose from the grave, our Master... Jesus of Nazareth!

No more Coconut gods !  Please no more just talking about the love of God out of context of how and why that love was expressed on on the bloody Roman cross!  Go help people see the real God; the real Jesus living in you and preach in loving grace, knowing but by the grace of God, we too should have perished, but preaching the truth of the holiness of God and the wickedness of man. For all have sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God...Every human needs to repent.

Jesus came to declare the Truth. His truth is this: We all are sinners, utterly wicked by comparison to Holy God. We all will perish by the very anger of God against us for our sins. God loves us so much he came and died for us in the person of Jesus Christ and rose and ascended to the right hand of the Father in Heaven. Truth is we must repent and accept by humble faith God's free offer of salvation  in order to receive Christ's atoning blood as our payment and restoration. This faith means following and obeying Christ as Master of everything in your life.

Truth is... This is the Biblical faith that saves!

For God made Christ, who never sinned, to be the offering for our sin, so that we could be made right with God through Christ. - 2 Cor 5:21

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The Great Terrorist

"May I be daily more and more conformed to thee, with the meekness and calmness of the Lamb in my soul, and a feeling sense of the felicity of heaven, where I long to join angels free from imperfections, where in the image of my adored Saviour will be completely restored, so that I may be fit for his enjoyments and employments.I am not afraid to look the king of terrors in the face, for I know I shall be drawn, not driven, out of the world." - excerpt from a Puritan prayer from 'The Valley of Vision'

Early America was filled with many well educated and literate devout followers of Christ. Prayers and speech like this are full of solid theological  meaning and depth that we just do not hear today. We today are some of the shallowest people our nation has ever produced due to the techno-media sound bite attention span most of us have, we rarely plumb into the depths of God's word and truths and apply them so eloquently to our own words and lives.  When I read these Puritan prayers, I am challenged to think and ponder God's Word and his blessed truths as they apply to myself. Thank the Lord for many writings from these godly people of early America and beyond. We all would do well to read more of our Christian ancestors and their deep faith and knowledge of God. They offer us much wisdom and inspiration.  Who today speaks like this? Who talks about the "felicity"  (intense happiness) of heaven? Who refers to our God as the "king of terrors", because truly He is for all the unrepentant! Look how the prophet Isaiah responded to the King of glory when he saw his vision:

Each creature was calling to the others: “Holy, holy, holy is the Lord All-Powerful. His glory fills the whole earth.” Their calling caused the frame around the door to shake, as the Temple filled with smoke. I said, “Oh, no! I will be destroyed. I am not pure, and I live among people who are not pure, but I have seen the King, the Lord All-Powerful.”-Isaiah 6:3-5 NCV

And this same God who came and befriended us, saved us from his own terrible wrath to come for our own sins, will return as the greatest terrorist of all time bringing fear to the vast majority of sinners in the world! Look how John's Revelation pictures him!

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The hairs of his head were white, like white wool, like snow. His eyes were like a flame of fire, his feet were like burnished bronze, refined in a furnace, and his voice was like the roar of many waters. In his right hand he held seven stars, from his mouth came a sharp two-edged sword, and his face was like the sun shining in full strength.  When I saw him, I fell at his feet as though dead. But he laid his right hand on me, saying, “Fear not, I am the first and the last,  and the living one. I died, and behold I am alive forevermore, and I have the keys of Death and Hades.- Revelation 1:14-18 ESV

But for us redeemed by his merciful hand, we know him as the shepherd of our souls. Truly he is the meek and mild Shepherd who is the defender of our lives.

“I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me— just as the Father knows me and I know the Father—and I lay down my life for the sheep. -John 10:14,15

Our Holy Holy Holy God, has given us who trust in him a  confidence and peace beyond words, because apart from that, we should all tremble..tremble....tremble.... If still lost in our own righteousness (or should I say our lack thereof) The standard is God's holiness. How will you measure up?

  In Christ you are pure and perfect... ...if you don't know him, you are not going to fare well. Terror is the best description.

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Before God blindly?

I am Gabriel!!! I stand in the presence of God, and was sent to speak to you and bring you this good news!!  (Luke 1:19 exclamations mine)

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This is how I see it. I added the exclamations. This is from the story of Zechariah the priest getting the news of his 80 year old wife's pregnancy; their prayers for a son answered by God in such a dramatic way. Zechariah was standing before God's highest archangel and requesting a sign!?? Really? Haha. Wow. I hope when God speaks to me l can be more properly responsive. I mean he came and appeared before him fresh in the glory of God himself, the archangel Gabriel!

Just before, the text states that Zechariah "nearly peed himself" in fear, when Gabriel appeared in vs 12 (using modern day expressions)! Gabriel had to comfort him to not to be afraid, but that he came bearing good news, and then he told him that he and Elizabeth's prayers were about to be answered with the conception of John.

Just prior to all this the text narrates some about who Zechariah and Elizabeth were. It said they were righteous people before God, living blameless lives following God's commands. Wow. That's quite a statement of how great a man Zechariah really was! He was truly a man of faith, while most only were going through the motions of religion, he followed God out of love and obedient faith.  It had been hundreds of years of mostly silence to the people of Israel. Miracles were mostly stories of long ago history, so when Zachariah gets a visit from heaven's great angel Gabriel, he had trouble with what seems like simple faith. Zechariah sees and trembles and hears the from God his Holy Angel, and then dares ask for a sign to prove what he said was true? LOL. I can't help but laugh.

   We know how the story ends. This statement above is what Gabriel begins with by basically saying (my rendition): "I am Gabriel, " for crying out loud! Are you so blind and dim that you don't take my own appearing before you as enough of a sign?! Well since you apparently are so blind, I'll make you blind until your son is born! That will be your sign!" 

I chuckle at this story, but as I think it over I also freeze with some fear over my own frailties and inability to hear God and obey at first word from him. I too have stood in the presence of not just one of his holy Angels, but the presence of God through his indwelling Spirit! Yet I still get dim-witted and blind and allow myself to fall into sin from time to time. O how this grieves me and causes me to fall on my face in repentance and sadness!    My God who redeemed me and robed me his own glory and righteousness, the goodness of Christ, and who now lives in me through the Holy Spirit; How in my right and sane mind could I ever willfully sin?! How?! Like Paul sometimes, I must humble my heart and say, "O wretched man I am! Who will deliver me out of this body of death? (Romans 7:24)

Within us all is a war raging! A war of love for God's law and glory, given by Holy Spirit transforming us from the inside out, the new man born of God, daily fighting the old man and law of sin and death! If you desire God, and truly want to be like Jesus, this battle will never stop raging...the day it does, you have turned around and are walking from God.

Fight my friends! Never give up! From Glory to Glory we shall overcome! We know when we fail our God, we have purification and restoration to keep in the war! All we need to do is repent and come to Jesus. (1Jhn 1:8-9) We too can rejoice like Paul and say as he did in Romans 7:25 ...

"Thanks be then to God, through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

Why? Because Jesus himself declared that even if we fall, Satan can never own us ever again and he will complete what he started in us(Phil1:6)! Hallelujah!

My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me.  I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand.  My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand.  I and the Father are one.” -John 10:27-30

Stay in the battle and see with clear eyes the glory of God working in you.

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Learning to lean

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Learning to lean

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Jesus said "...And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these." I never worry anymore about clothing or food or basic needs for myself. I could stand here and say that is because I have fully learned to trust in God as my caretaker and provider, but that would be a lie. I don't worry about these things for myself because I am abundantly blessed with too much in this life. Sadly I have not learned this art of trust as well as some like those who About-Face Missions is called to support. I rarely get opportunities like the people and pastors that AFM help monthly with buying food, clothing, medicine and other basic needs so that they can live productive lives for the Lord. This is part of our calling. Yes;  we also help send them funds for Bibles, evangelistic outreaches, and discipleship needs. We feel both are critical to really love like Jesus loves. But I fail at times to trust in God like some more faithful ones do. So many we have chosen to partner with live on the edge and have learned to lean on Jesus like I never have. Men like Samson Walala, Kennedy Simiyu and John Tino in Kenya,  sister Norah Nakabugo or Buyinza Daniel in Uganda, pastor Daryl or Christopher Samonte in the Philippines, faithful humble men like Manikumar Gude and Nagavath Ganesh in India, or Ram Bahadur BK in Nepal or Munir in Pakistan. These people, their wives and co-workers are those who I see as men and women in God's hall of fame!  Men and women of faith and perseverance and trust in Christ. Kennedy Simiyu, for instance, hopes in God much better than I.  I wished I could say I was a spiritual giant for Jesus, but sometimes I feel I am so far away. God allowed one of our larger monthly donors for AFM Mercy School to have significant business slowdown, so we lost that $500 a month support for who knows how long. My heart was aching for weeks over how we can make up for this huge loss, and what to do. Were we to lay off a couple teachers and send some kids or workers home and cut way back? That loss is about 1/3 of our monthly school budget! I was praying for God to come to the rescue and send in some extra donors and funds to help make up for this, but frankly I was worried and getting heartsick over it all. I mentioned to Kennedy that we probably would not be able to continue our medical care preventative treatments for the kids, lay off the doctor and likely some other workers, and ration food by giving the kids less to eat. I was sad having to tell him all this as we came up on the last day of the month this past weekend. After all, for the past two months every couple days Kennedy has been telling me that they desperately need funds for buying cloth so the ladies can start sewing new uniforms for the kids.  It will take about $900 to buy enough material to create uniforms for all the kids just to have one new outfit for the entire year. He asked about us raising just $300 so we can get started with the most needy ones who are without a uniform or the most tattered... But I have had to say we cannot, because we don't have enough even for the basic food and medicine budgets.

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....But Kennedy kept telling me not to worry, trust in God and he will provide! It's easier said than done by one as so used to being self-sufficient and spoiled as I. My energy and hope was fading and I was growing less and less willing to even tell people of the needs anymore, because of the little to no responses. My own personal debts have been rising too fast lately due to last year's weddings and expenses and I felt too financially squeezed to give any more personally without digging myself deeper into a financial hole... I was sinking in my hope, thinking maybe God wants us to change course and abandon what we are doing in Kenya. Also on my mind was how do I pay for another trip to Kenya this April to encourage our brothers and sisters as planned to help build them up, when I am feeling so low myself and under too much worry and stress. Then on top of this,  my Ugandan adopted son Ronald Mutebi sent me a message that the group of College students he leads on Evangelism missions are heading off to western Uganda on a Church planting mission where his friend Joseph wants to pastor a mission Church to an unreached group. He said they are short about $400, but really need $250 to buy local language Bibles for this mission next week! Oh this is so much where my heart is and I wanted so badly to say yes we will send you all that money, but my heart sank knowing all the other shortages we have in personal and AFM financial means. We didn't even make up for our overdrawn funds from last year and started in a deficit because December giving was down a bit.... **Sigh**   So I told Ronald I would pray about and and seek the Lord's will. I lifted it to God, somewhat halfhearted not thinking He was really going to provide. See? See what little faith I have sometimes....SMH.

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I don't tell my wife about every need and thing that comes along in AFM business because I have to "regulate" how much time I devote to AFM so she won't feel deprived of my love and affections for her. I do tend to get consumed in my projects and passions. But I decided to tell her last night that our finances were tight and that Ronald was really needing at least $250 for Bibles to help reach these tribal people in Western Uganda on  his Makerere University BCOM mission trip he was helping lead. I told her I wanted us to seek the Lord if there was any way we could cut back on something else and help this immediate need. I told her this while we were sitting around watching TV Sunday night. During some commercial break she disappeared upstairs and came back down and handed me 2 one hundred dollar bills with this goofy look on her face and said, "Here! I tucked this away for a rainy day when I had extra knowing that one of our kids would come asking for help with something. So our kid in Uganda needs it, send it to him!" HA HA! Wow, I was thinking we could squeak out another $150 or so by me emptying out my change jar of coins I had saved up, but now we could more than meet Ronald's minimum need! Hallelujah!! Then Monday morning Kennedy sent me some photos of the teachers working and the kids at our school to encourage us (above is one of them taken this Monday), and yet I was still cautioning him that the food and medicine money would likely be very short this month... But he kept faith and said God will provide! Amen. Yes I love my brothers faith, it too encourages me when I am weak. So I had to say, "We will trust in God to provide!" What else could I do. Then today I came home from work. I opened the mailbox and found an unusually large donation from one of God's children of guess how much! $500! The exact amount we were short from the other person who had to suspend their giving! Whoohoo! Praise God! All I can say is THANK YOU JESUS! Our God is good!

I sit here typing with tears hearing Jesus say to me "O ye of little faith, trust in God, Don't you know how I dress the lilies of the field, how they grow? They neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if I so clothe the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will I not much more clothe you and those you love?"

Yes Lord. I am listening. I believe. Help me with my unbelief!

AFM friends and family. We still have many needs. We don't have all the days ahead of us all figured out. We still must trust in God daily, monthly and yearly; but there is no better place to be, than fully standing in his grace, leaning on Jesus! God is working and will continue to work with or without us, but the cool thing is He will bless others through us, if we just hold on to faith and keep doing our parts... blessings untold will be ours! We have the privilege to enter into God's glorious works...and rejoice full of hope and life!

God bless each one of you! Let us rejoice and press on for His glory and love!

PS... Thank you to all who have been involved in helping us love all 130 or so little ones at our AFM Mercy Foundation Schoolkids in class2016 and helping make Jesus Christ real to so many impoverished little ones and families in Western Kenya. We are saving lives both physically and eternally! If you want to help us meet our future needs through monthly or one time gifts please visit our website for ways to give.  http://www.aboutfacemissions.com/donate  to to learn more about our school ministry visit this link http://www.aboutfacemissions.com/ourministries/mercy-school    There is a lot of need in the world, endless really...but we together can make a real difference in some lives and see the smile of God in our own hearts and lives.

 

 

 

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Think on this.

Why should I be afraid of bad days? Why should I fear when evil people surround me? They trust in their money and brag about their riches. No one can buy back the life of another. No one can pay God for his own life, because the price of a life is high. No payment is ever enough. Do people live forever? Don’t they all face death? See, even wise people die. Fools and stupid people also die and leave their wealth to others. Their graves will always be their homes. They will live there from now on, even though they named places after themselves. Even rich people do not live forever; like the animals, they all die. This is what will happen to those who trust in themselves and to their followers who believe them. Think deeply on this. Like sheep, they must die, and death will be their shepherd. Honest people will rule over them in the morning, and their bodies will rot in a grave far from home. But God will save my life and will take me from the grave. Think deeply on this.

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Time to wake up and live.

Time and again when people died in this life Jesus has made it known that they are not really dead.   We can either take great comfort in this or take great fear depending in your standing with God,  because life is much greater than we know or imagine. We live currently at the tip of the iceberg of life only seeing just a small fragment of what life is and will be. When Jesus went to resurrect the rulers little girl in the text below, was Jesus lying when he told the mourners to go away because the little girl was not dead, but only asleep? Do you think these people back then were so ignorant to not be able to detect lack of heart-beat or breath? No..They were all too familiar with death of the body. More so than most of us today. Yet Jesus referred to her as sleeping. Much like his conversation with Mary at the bodily death of Lazarus where he said we never really die, he is revealing to us that he created us all as eternal souls to live forever and our all too familiar bodies dying is not the end of our lives, but rather just the beginning. Yet as he and the Father have ordained, this small segment of our life will determine all of eternity for us. When he could speak in this way about the little girl because he being God in flesh, knew well the temporal-ness of this current body and phase if life and God sees things much differently than we. It behooves us to look more at life though the eyes of Christ, and look way beyond the grave and death of this body. For the redeemed in Christ who love him and know his love, we have great hope in seeing a new creation and a gloriously resurrected new body to come, yet for those living for self and sin, they have great despair, because this is as close as they get to come to heaven and the blessings of God. And obliteration is not an option no matter how badly they hope it to be.  The will face eternal wrath of God in the lake of fire. If you believe and care for anyone, then we must do our part to help them come to Jesus while there still is time. For it is appointed unto man once to die, but after that judgment. 

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And when Jesus came to the ruler’s house and saw the flute players and the crowd making a commotion, he said, “Go away, for the girl is not dead but sleeping.” And they laughed at him. But when the crowd had been put outside, he went in and took her by the hand, and the girl arose. -Matthew 9:23-25 ESV

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Resting deeply.

Could you sleep through a violent thunderstorm pounding your home? I do many times, but I know many who cannot. How about if we add a mega earthquake to that storm?  Could you sleep through that?Okay..you know someone who could maybe? Well then let's move their comfy bed outside and then let the torrent of rain fall down on them and add that storm and earthquake to them. How about then? Could they sleep though that?!   I bet not!    You'd have to either be literally unconscious, crazy, dead, or so full of assurance of your life being in Gods hands, that you would be comfy taking a "rocking-n-rolling-shower-in-bed-while-you-slept" nap!!

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I love the story in Matthews Gospel about Jesus sleeping in the storm. Just think about this. The twelve disciples on a relatively tiny fishing boat in a violent storm on the Sea of Galilee fighting for their lives to stay afloat while water is violently thrashing around their boat splashing in and all over everyone! There is no "below deck" sleeping quarters here...just think like a large canoe! And yet Jesus is quietly taking a peaceful catnap with water splashing all over him... and the thunderstorms seemingly about to sink their vessel far away from land! Think loud, rough and wet!

Read this Matthew 8:23-27 with me...

And when he got into the boat, his disciples followed him. And behold, there arose a great storm on the sea, so that the boat was being swamped by the waves; but he was asleep. And they went and woke him, saying, “Save us, Lord; we are perishing.” And he said to them, “Why are you afraid, O you of little faith?” Then he rose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm. And the men marveled, saying, “What sort of man is this, that even winds and sea obey him?”

He was asleep! They had to go and wake him! I mean there is so many things to take away from this account and his miracle of commanding the storm and the sea to be calm is what most of us focus on because of its miraculous nature, but don't overlook this important part of the story!

Jesus was sleeping! Really! How can that be? Think about how you cannot sleep when even tiny things worry you and keep your mind churning... Just imaging what is going through Jesus's head to sleep through such an event. Nothing! Absolutely nothing but a dream about riding a cart pulled by 12 little lambs.. Haha. Who knows what he was dreaming, but I can tell you this. It was no nightmare! He had total confidence that the Fathers will must be done... and his heart was so in tune with God's so as to rest totally in God's divine power and sovereignty!  (He and the Father are one in essence and the Spirit kept him humanly aware) So he did not worry that they would perish on that lake because he knew this... God's will was not for them to drown at sea     but to spill his blood for you and me.. on the cursed tree!

Are we willing to let go of life control so much as to drop of all your worries, and truly trust in God? Oh how I pray for this kind of Holy Spirit power. Not so much to command the seas and the winds, but to rest my soul even in the storms that blow through my own mind and life! We all have various storms, but will we rest in Christ through faith?

Come unto me all you who are tired and heavy burdened and I will give you rest. -Jesus (Matt 11:28)

He is the Master of REST! 

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Humility, a prayer

God.You do not play in convincing me of sin, Satan did not play in tempting me to it, I do not play when I sink in deep mire,   for sin is no game, no toy, no bauble; Let me never forget the heinousness of sin lies   not so much in the nature of sin committed, as in the greatness of You, the One sinned against. When I am afraid of evils to come, comfort me,   By showing me that in myself I am a dying condemned wretch,   but that in Christ I am reconciled, made alive, and satisfied; that I am feeble and unable to do any good, But that in him, I can do all things and for your glory!  Thank you Father God. In Jesus I pray. Amen.

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Inspired by "'Humiliation' The Valley of Vision, A Collection of Puritan Prayers"

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O God my exceeding joy!

Singing your praises uplifts my heart, for you are a fountain of delight, and do bless the soul that joys in you.image

But because of my hearts rebellion, I cannot always praise you as I should; yet I will at all times rest myself in your excellencies, your goodness, and loving-kindness.

In Jesus, you are the object of inexpressible joy, and I take exceeding pleasure in the thought of you.

But Lord, I am sometimes as though your enemy; my nature revolts and wanders from you.

Help me to extol you with my entire heart-submission, to be diligent in self-examination, to ask myself whether I live as one born-again, whether my spirit is as that of your child, whether my griefs are those that bring repenting hearts, whether my joys are the joys of faith, whether my confidence in Christ works in love and purifies the soul.

Give me the sweet results of faith, in my secret character, and in my public life.

Cast cords of love around my heart, then hold me and never let me go!

May the Saviors wounds sway me more than the scepter of princes.

Let me love you in a love that covers and swallows up all, that I may not violate the pure union with all of your beloved!

There is much unconquered territory in my nature, so scourge out the buyers and sellers of my souls temple, and give me in return pure desires and longings after perfect holiness with you my dear Lord. 

This is my prayer, my Father;  My God, my Savior!

Amen.

My prayer today adapted from "A ministers praises, Valley of Vision, a collection of Puritan prayers "

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Seek... It's an action word.

God created us to know him intimately and to find true riches when we consider him our greatest treasure and prize. God created us to not just be loved by him, but for us to love him. True love seeks its lover, and God's true love for us has promised that he will respond to our love, but God desires that we show our love by pursuing him also.  Yes he first sought us and redeemed us in Christ, apart from that we would have remained lost, but as in all relationships, we too should seek him back. This is what love does. Seek Christ with all of your heart and you will know the most grand treasure possible in this life and joy for all eternity!

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You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart -Jer 29:13

The young lions suffer want and hunger; but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing - Ps 34:10

And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you - Ps 9:10

Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you - Mat 7:7

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. - Mat 6:33

Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. - Mat 6:19-21

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Man a Nothing

O Lord, I am a shell full of dust,But animated with an invisible rational soul And made anew by an unseen power of grace; Yet I am no rare object of valuable price, But one who has nothing and is nothing, Although chosen by you from eternity! Given to Christ and born again!

I am deeply convinced of the evil and misery of my sinful state, Of the vanity of creatures, But also of the sufficiency of Christ. When you would try to guide me, I control myself. When you would be sovereign, I rule myself. When you would take care of me, I do it myself. When I should depend on your provisions, I supply myself. When I should submit on your providence, I follow my will. When I should study, live, honor, trust you, I serve myself. I fault and correct your laws to suit myself. Instead of you, I look to man's approbation, his approval. I am by nature an idolater!

Lord, it is my chief design to bring my heart back to you! Convince me that I cannot be my own God! Or make myself happy, Nor be my own Christ to restore my joy; Nor my own Spirit to teach, guide, and rule me.

Help me to see that grace does this by the will of your afflictions, For when my credit is good, you cast me lower, When riches are my idol, you make them grow wings, When pleasure is my all, you do turn it into bitterness. You are the good God who does what it takes to transform my corrupted heart! Take away my roving eye, curious ear, greedy appetite, lustful heart; Show me Jesus that none of these things can heal a wounded conscience, Or support this tottering frame, or uphold a departing spirit. Then O God, I implore you, take me to the cross, And leave me there! Yes...leave me there where your blood flows down and washes me clean..... This I pray. 

Amen

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My prayer for today, adapted and inspired by 'Valley of Vision, a collection of Puritan prayers"

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Lisa's Story

We all have a story to tell of our life. For all of us who still live and breathe, it is a story still being written in many ways. Your story, or my story; if we are honest, it is a story that is messy at times. So many of us are not willing to share all the good, bad and the ugly of our lives. Quite frankly for many, I cannot bear to spend too much time in thought over the messes of your life, any more than I want to linger over the messy parts of mine. To tell a life story of a person that simply bears me much sadness and no real hope in the end, seems depressing and pointless. Many people have lived lives that in the end are pointless and full of death and decay that led to no good end. I have little patience to read or listen to most of those stories. But what inspires me as real stories of real lives, like this one I helped write about my friend Lisa.  Lisa tells it all, the good, bad and ugly, but ultimately, the glimmer of hope seen early on proves that God had his mark on her life and even though many struggles, God did something marvelous and transformed yet another life of what seemed to be a total wreck in many ways, into something beautiful and full of Joy and Hope. It is stories like this one below that inspire people like me to rejoice all the more in the secure blessings of my salvation and eternal hope only found in Christ Jesus, because when God chooses you to be his very own, there is nothing ultimately that you can do to stop it. God will complete his work in each of his children. This is a story of hope and good endings. Just as it is for all who end up giving their own messy lives over to God. I hope you enjoy reading of Lisa's story as much as I did proofing the text. This is the story of a life set apart for God. God's story for Lisa. My life began in sunny southern California. My mom met my dad in Nome Alaska long before it became a state; he was in the military, stationed on a naval carrier. My mom was a half-Eskimo and half-French Canadian. My father was half-Dutch and half-German. I suppose that makes me a true American, blending of many peoples. Let me tell you about the life and faith experiences that have radically formed my life. I did not grow up in a family that knew God. My mother’s experience with religion was that of Roman Catholics who came to her tiny Alaskan village attempting to force the native traditions out of her and the tribe, mostly through strict rules and beatings. My mom gained dislike and distrust from those in the “church”. Even so, she would still allow me and my siblings to attend church with friends since it was the predominate custom our culture. My father’s religious experience was that of Lutheran, but he did not know God. Thus, my parents’ religious practice was a blend that resembled that of an occultic tradition rather than anything Christ taught. Mom dabbled in witchcraft and horoscope; Dad had a fascination with hypnosis and the occult. He later became a certified hypnotist. Despite my parent’s crazy upbringing, I had a desire to really know God. I would attend church whenever asked by my neighbors. In summertime, I would live with my great uncle and aunt, Ruben and Olivia. They were devoted Seventh Day Adventists. They had the greatest spiritual impact upon me growing up, since they lived true to their faith; more closely aligned with Christ’s teachings. They were a consistent example of living a life of love and faithfulness to God and man. Our family lived in California and lived on some acreage on top of a hill. We had what seemed like a typical American family of the day yet with our family of eight. In reality, our home was chaotic and dark. A day did not go by without fighting and screaming! There was no peace. I often had to find places to hide from all the turmoil. My father owned a business and worked long hours. He often enjoyed the social side of drinking and it was not long until he became an alcoholic. He became like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde with his drinking. His nice demeanor would flip and he would take out his rage on everyone when He arrived home late evenings from his post work drinking binges. My Mom had her own major issues. She had trouble keeping her home in order with six of us kids and she too flew into violent tantrums. Between them both, the fury of our parents coming down on us kids was a daily experience. It was like a war zone; parental wrath in the form of beatings, screaming rants and threats. The terrorism of them discarding us as their children was one of my worst memories. The abuse left deep scars on all of us children. We were reminded constantly how much a burden we were to them. My father would curse vile things calling us “sons of bitches”, “no good”, “worthless”, and more. My older siblings got the worst of the abuse. I was next to the youngest, so by the time my parents took out their anger out on the four older siblings, they were usually too tired to beat my little sister and me. We became very skilled at hiding in the fields and abandoned cars. Terror of my dad became so great that anytime I heard my father’s car coming up the drive at night, my heart would start pounding and fear gripped me. I would brace myself for another sleepless night of crying. It was a life of real terrorism, but it is all I really knew. I would often intervene into the fights; trying to stand in between my Dad’s attacks on my siblings in love for them. He would hit them with belts or anything handy he could find. I cannot recall being able to sleep sound through an entire night most my childhood while at home. I would stay up until I knew my parents were asleep, usually 2:00 am or later, and then fall asleep myself. My school grades reflected my home life. The teachers thought I was careless or a daydreamer. I failed all my classes, but no one seemed to care. The truth was, my mind was so full of terror and fear, I could not focus on anything. My mind was always filled with, “Will I live today, or will one of my brothers or sisters be killed by my parents?”. It was a life of no peace. The only solace I found was in my pets, and a horse that my mom bought my older sister. Eventually they all ran off, but later I got a hand-me-down very gentle “bombproof” trail horse that I loved. Looking back, I can see God used it to save my mind and give me peace in my teen years. The oldest siblings left home by this time and it was down to my two older brothers and me and my younger sister. My brothers displayed signs of abuse by stealing and getting in trouble often. My older brother Ralph Jr. was a daredevil. He dealt with the abuse by abusing others, including me. I would daily hit or slap me, telling me I was a slut, whore or worse. He took delight in terrifying me, chasing me with knives, and even trapping me in a hole in the ground, he dug out and called the “fort”. He would leave me in it most the day until my mom began to wonder where I was. I could not understand why he hated me so much. Today I know he was just doing what abused kids do, taking out their abuse on others. He grew very violent and now he is in the mob and a very dangerous man; a murder even. Then there was Roger, he was a year older than I was. Roger had severe learning disabilities, today he would be classified as autistic, but back then, there was little understanding of what my brother struggled with. Sadly, he became the scapegoat, and my Dad and brothers took most their rage out on him. Roger could not read facial gestures. He did not understand when you were mad, nor did he know how to respect boundaries as is common with this mental disorder. If Roger wanted something, he simply took it. Roger had a fascination with mechanical and electrical things, and he tried to discover how they all worked; including my battery operated dolls, blow driers, radios and stuff. My dad would explode on him because he was always taking apart things. One day my Dad came home to find that Roger had taken my mom’s car engine apart! My dad really blew a fuse and decided he had enough of Roger. I heard my mom screaming at my Dad to stop, so I ran as fast as I could to stop the fight like had done so many times before. This time though, what I saw changed my family’s life forever. My dad was trying to kill Roger and had him in a noose! I broke into the room, and looked up at my Dad and shouted at him firmly “PUT HIM DOWN NOW!” with a God given voice of authority and power that could only have been the Holy Spirit working through me. Amazingly, Dad let go of the rope and walked out of the room. My brother dropped to the floor and I ran out of the room. I do not recall exactly what took place soon after, but I remember waiting for Roger in the back woods where we would hide. We ran to a friend’s home across to the next hillside. Roger slept under a willow tree that night. That day I came to truly hate my father. A few days later, they sent Roger to a boy’s home about 200 miles away in the foothills of California. What man meant for evil, God used for good. It was at that camp where I remember Roger telling me that he became born again. I did not know what he meant by that, but for the first time, Roger seemed to be happy! I knew that God had his hand upon him from that day forward. Eventually Roger came home, but as soon as he did, my mom took off for a long trip back to her home in Alaska. Dad told us that she went to stay with her mom for a while. Mom simply abandoned us with our Dad. For the first time in our lives, we had freedom and peace, because our Dad was never home. Dad found another woman. He came by only to drop off change for school lunches. The refrigerator grew empty, but we did not care, since we ate from the fruit and avocado trees when hungry. Even so, the hunger was minor compared to having someone beat you all the time and living in terror. Since Dad was gone all the time, we had parties, invited friends over and celebrated all we wanted, as teens without guidance. I went to school, but was still unfocused. I was hungry and felt abandoned, as it finally dawned on me that my parents had dumped us. I made friends with a freshman boy from school named Eric. He and I were like two peas in a pod. His dad also was abusing him, and I would let him come and stay at my place to seek safety from his father’s wrath. Eventually we ended up sexually intimate. I did not know how a woman became pregnant; very ignorant about sex. We never talked about those things. I remember one time my sister getting beat because she was got pregnant from some guy. My mom dropped her at an abortion clinic and told her not to come home until the baby was gone. When she did come home, she was beat again. She ended up running away because of it and married the fellow with whom she was sexually involved. My Dad was involved with that other woman with kids for about 9 months; we did not care. He left us alone and that took away our fear. My older sister and brother found out we kids were living alone and came by to see for themselves. Ralph took the opportunity to torment us, show up and acting like a burglar. He would take a knife and scare me with it until I would scream for mercy to be let go. My older 18-year-old sister noticed that my body was changed; my breasts were bigger and I was throwing up. She said, “You are pregnant and I have to get you checked.” I was terrified, yet had no idea what she was saying. She and her boyfriend took me to a “free clinic.” There they confirmed I was pregnant. I was in my second trimester about 5 months. They said I would need to go to a hospital to have an abortion. That was when I first learned about the word “abortion”. Until then, I had only heard the word once. It was at a party where some girl had been hemorrhaging because she had an abortion. Fear struck me! I said “why can’t I keep it and why do I have to have this abortion?” My sister said, “You are 13 and cannot have a baby, and mom would kill you if she found out.” I was more terrified of my mom than of my dad, because I had seen how she abused my sisters, and I knew she was right. I felt I had no choice but to do as she said. I remember being in the Planned Parenthood clinic and a mom across the room saying, “she is so young.” I was thinking, “Well, I am almost 14, Lady!” At the clinic, I was treated like a piece of meat. Doctors, I thought were supposed to be caring, but this doctor could care less about my suffering and tears. He said, “You are very far along and we need to insert several seaweed sticks to open your cervix.” I had no idea what he meant, but the pain was unbelievable. He told me to stay home so that the seaweeds could expand. They told me it would be a few days and then we could go to the hospital, and that everything would be fine once the procedure was over. I cried and cried, and wanted Eric with me. I thought he abandoned me, but little did I know, my sister told Eric not to come around. I remember pleading for the doctors not kill my baby, but they just kept getting me ready for the surgery. I remember sobbing and praying, “God I am sorry! One day I will have another baby and will make up for the one that was killed.” I woke up grabbing my stomach in recovery yelling, “STOP!” The nurse above me said, “Oh you’re done, it’s over now.” I was still dizzy from the sedation, and vomited. I was in a room with several other people on gurneys, like a animal holding pen. In my stupor, I managed to slide out of the hospital bed and crawl to the rest room. I cried and threw up; blood was all over me while I lay on the bathroom floor. After a while I pulled myself together, was given pads and birth control pills, then waited outside for my sister’s boyfriend to pick me up and take me home. The ride was deadly silent. I was dumped off at the bottom of our hill on the road. Weak and alone, I walked backwards up the hill to the home where I had no parents to love me or console me. I felt so abandoned. My heart and soul were crushed. I made it to my bed. There I wept all night staring at my wristband from the hospital, while holding my stomach. In shame and pain, I repeated my vow to God, “I promise you God, I will make this up to you, I will have another child to replace this one.” Yet something in me changed that day, something died. I felt dead and I wanted to die. I lost my innocence, and most of all, I found out no one cared for me. I kept my abortion secret. I began to drink alcohol to numb the pain, plus I developed an eating disorder. I wanted to die, but could not think of an easy painless way to kill myself. About a month later, my mom returned to get her things. She said she was moving back to Alaska and had a boyfriend. She said, “You can come with me or stay with your dad, but I am leaving in a week.” I did not want to stay with my dad who had abandoned us and left us foodless, but I was also angry and distrusting of my mom who also abandoned me when I needed her most. I felt she was the better choice. We packed up our two cats and all we had into a Pontiac. My mom and we three children took off up the Alcan Highway to unknown territory, leaving behind my childhood friends and all I knew. I was excited a little about the change, but also upset. My thoughts rang out the promise I needed to fulfill to God, because my conscience was reminding me of the evil that happened in the hospital. My soul cried out for a savior. All I could think about was finding a boyfriend, and I imagined meeting my ‘knight in shining armor’ some place in this Alaska journey; someone who would take me away from all the horror I knew as my life. In addition, I thought this meant that the abuse was now over, since my dad was out of the picture. I was feeling glad to be gone from all the bad memories and sleepless nights. For the first time, Roger was no longer being beat, and perhaps this was the beginning of a new life for my little sister and us all. Mom, who was 40, said that we were going to live with her new 25-year-old boyfriend, but I was very apprehensive with that situation. Moving to Alaska, I was expecting igloos, and barren wasteland, but what I found was that Anchorage Alaska was a big city and had normal homes. It was bitterly cold there, but no false persona way of life existed in Alaska, like in California. People were real, and for the first time no one judged me by where I lived or what we drove. My relationship with my mom was so strained though; I hated her and loved her. I looked up to her, but had lost all respect when she left me. I blamed her for what took place, and I never told her my secret of the abortion. My mom’s boyfriend was nice. He was calm and never raised his voice. I never let him close to me emotionally, but I knew we were safe with him. Roger continued to get into trouble and eventually went back to southern California; to this day, he lives on the beach as a homeless person. With his disorder and the abuse of my father, his spirit was broken. I will never forget him cry when he asked me, “Why did dad try to hang me?” I told him our dad is sick and it was not Roger’s fault. Roger is just a shell of humanity today. I know God watches over him. One day he will be with me in heaven; healed and free from all his pain and anguish. Suffering will be no more. In my sophomore year, a girl who was jealous of my long blonde hair, came from behind me and hit me with her fist in my temple so hard, that I lost vision and control of my right side for a day. After that, I dropped out of school. I was ashamed, tired of all the hate, and done with school. A few years later, I earned my GED, and enrolled in trade school for Travel Agents and Airline industry. When I was nineteen, I fell in love. I remembered my vow to God and sought to have a baby by that man. I was an avid soap opera watcher, and it perverted my view of romance. It seemed that all I needed to do was get pregnant, and he would fall hopelessly in love and marry me. Within a few months of dating, I became pregnant; I was happy and expected my boyfriend to be happy also. He was not. He was fearful and convinced me that we barely knew each other and it was way soon to have a baby, but in time he would consider it. It devastated me that my plans were not working. What would I do? I promised God that I would make up for the child I had killed and now I could not see a way out. My boyfriend proceeded to contact the abortion clinics and threatened my relationship with him if I did not abort our baby. I did not know what to do, except comply. My feelings became like that for my mom, I hated him, but loved him. He dropped me off at the clinic, while he waited outside in the car. I did not have the strength to say no, and my fear of abandonment was greater than my need to do what was right. They intake people at the clinic were eager to help me, but once I was in the procedure room, the niceness changed. It was painful and I cried while the abortionist did his work. The nurse held my hand as I dug my nails into her hand. They saw me filled with sorrow and it made them upset. They left me unattended in the room with the containers of baby parts and blood to look at for several minutes. I wanted to look and see, but I was horrified at what I saw. I wondered why anyone who cared about a person would let them see the contents of their child in a container like that. They treated me cold and inhumane. All the nice talk was over, once they ripped the baby out. It filled me with guilt, regret, hatred, resentment, and deep hurt over what I had just done. I not only broke my vow to God, but now I felt I had to make right my wrong choices, and fast. I was suicidal and drank even more, to nub out my pain and my inner conscience. I lashed out at my boyfriend and our relationship was now unhinged; deranged. No sooner had I had an abortion, I again became pregnant. He gave me the same story and I followed the same routine. Why? Why? Why? My need for affection and to not be rejected so controlled me! “Why did someone not love and want me?”, I thought. I gave up on promises to God. I knew I was guilty of terrible wrong and nothing could change it. I was going to airlines trade school in effort to find a career. My relationship with my boyfriend began to crash. Even though I was getting noticed by other men and realized the treatment that this guy was giving me was abusive and wrong, I couldn’t move on. I was addicted to the abusive cycle in which I grew up. I again found myself pregnant for the fourth time! This time, I said “NO!” to my boyfriend’s push to make me have another abortion. I said, “I will keep this child and I will no longer do what you’re telling me to do!” Somewhere I found the courage to stand up to him and walk away if necessary. My mom was not supportive and angry and told me that I was on my own with that decision. She kicked me out of her home. Thankfully, I found some friends to live with. However, I was still addicted to my boyfriend, but he had moved on with other women while I was pregnant. He treated me like dirt. I drank and snorted coke, even early on in the pregnancy at times. I did my best to pretend I was not pregnant as means of coping. My boyfriend would take me on bike rides and skiing where I would fall. Looking back, I realize he was trying to have me ‘accidentally’ loose the baby. I was naive, and the abuse from my own home caused blindness in me to men who are abusers. About that time, I was experiencing many headaches. Every day I used Excedrin for the horrific migraines I was having. The doctors said it was stress of being pregnant. Then September twentieth came and I went into labor, my boyfriend did not show up to the hospital, but I did have a few girlfriends with me. I was in back labor for 2 days. I was failing to dilate and I panicked, telling the doctors that they needed to do something or I was going to throw the Pitocin machine across the room! So, a doctor came in soon after and said he was doing an emergency C-Section. On Sept 22 Alicia Ann was born. They had to resuscitate her because she drowned in the amniotic fluid. They put her in the NICU for a few days because she had trouble breathing. I was unprepared for motherhood, and sadly, I did not bond with Alicia. Her dad did not want her, my own family disowned me, and I was on my own. I had a deep sense of responsibility, and said to myself, “I made this decision and now I must live with it.” I remembered the promise to God, and realized that the guilt did not go away. I had a child but I still felt the deep ache of my past haunting me. I had a big responsibility at 21 without any help, I was alone and I had to fight to care for my child. I was in over my head, but what could I do? I had to live up to the responsibility no matter what, and give this baby a chance in life. I passed my education and the Airlines hired me as a reservation agent. Life seemed to be improving. I dropped my daughter off at my mom’s while I partied on the weekends. I was very selfish, and although I made sure Alicia was clothed and fed, I did not give her the emotional love she needed. I was emotionally absent. I did not know how to properly show affection or even feel love. I am not sure if it was because of the years of abuse or the abortions that took away my feelings. It was probably both. All I know was that I could not feel, and I lacked compassion. I was a hard mom, and when she cried, I said “Oh you will be ok; get over it.” I began teaching her be like me, not to feel. Alicia was also a very wild-child, so no one wanted to baby-sit her, I would get comments from my family all the time about my parenting and that she had a problem, and was ADD. I hated it that she was not wanted, and I tried so hard to make her okay for everyone. That meant that I over corrected her on the smallest things, and nitpicked at her slightest faults. Looking back, she was just being a needy, neglected and curious kid, but I wanted her perfect for my family, so that I could be accepted. In reality, Alicia was raised by babysitters and my mom, not me. I worked and visited her in between naps. I was on the hunt for a husband, and kept her on the sidelines. When Alicia was 18 months, I met a man name Al, at a local dance bar I frequented. He looked like one of those Chippendale dancers and was the bouncer. We had immediate lust for each other. As it turned out, he was a male stripper and body builder. About that time, my daughter’s dad came around and wanted to reignite our relationship. He even asked me if I would marry him. I remember that day as if it was today. I looked into his eyes and felt nothing. I said, “When I needed you, you left me and showed me who you really were. I do not love you nor ever will I.” He cried about it, but I became stronger that day. My new boyfriend Al seemed to really like Alicia; so we quickly moved in with each other and talked about marriage. While living together I noticed that Al had a big problem with cocaine and lust. I had frequent headaches, mood swings, and black outs, even forgot to turn off things. It troubled me, and I saw a doctor, but he said that I was under lots of stress being a new mom and with work and all. Al and were both doing coke, and were involved in the bodybuilding scene. I even took injections for steroids a few times, urged by him to make me look bigger. Even though we were talking about getting married, I discovered that he was cheating on me. I was livid, and kicked him out. My heart was broken, and then my worst nightmare came about, I was pregnant again! “How?”, I thought, “I was doing all I could to not get pregnant and even taking precautions; how could I be pregnant?” I found out that Al was cheating on me a lot and even suspected of abusing my daughter, how could I even begin to have his child under these circumstances? My fragile world was falling apart again. I knew what it was like to have one child on my own, but now two! No one would ever want me with two kids from different fathers and this guy is a child molester! I was sick, far along in my third trimester and I could feel the baby kick. I tried to ignore my all my good senses. I was thinking, “If I had this baby this guy will molest this child, I could not go through this anymore.” I did only what I felt I could. I went to the doctor and scheduled an abortion, my fourth abortion! I did not have enough money, and I asked the woman at the abortion desk, “I have this solid gold necklace; can I use this for the rest?” Much to my amazement, she took it and scheduled the abortion at the hospital. Since this was my forth, I knew what to expect, but I hated what I had to do. I did not feel I had the strength to raise or even give birth to another child. I was already alone and to me, I could not find any way out. I was sick; I was weak, but I was responsible. The shame was on me, and I knew it! I cried in the hospital room hoping someone would help and stop me. No one came. I felt the kicking and when into the slaughter room; fully aware of my decision. There was no naivety this time. I did this murder. When I woke up, I was numb as I walked out. I wanted to die and so began to contemplate how I would kill myself. Because I was a wreck, I they fired me from my job. My life was crumbling. Poor little Alicia all alone; ignorant of what was going on and brought into this world though my selfish irresponsibilities. I am unable to care for her. I drank and pondered what to do, how to take my life, but what about Alicia? I prayed and made one last ditch effort to see if God was real. I said, “God, I am tired...I don’t know who you are, Mary, or Jesus, but I need you to show me that you are who you are or in two weeks I am going to kill myself.” I had finished off a 12 pack of beer and fell asleep. The next morning I woke up, with some newfound hope, a new desire to look for a non-denominational church, one that just teaches the Bible. I then remembered a church on the hill a few miles from where I lived, named “Abbott Loop Community Church.” I remember it, because my best friends in High School got married there when she became pregnant. I thought, “If she could be accepted there, Maybe I might?” I looked them up in the phone book and called the pastor to see if I could get in to see him. I told him that I wanted to kill myself and needed to talk to someone. He said, okay come on in that day. His name was Dan Amos. I will never forget him and the first thing he said when he saw me was that, “God is going to use you in a mighty way.” I heard that and thought, “Oh great! What did you get yourself into now, Lisa?.” I followed him into his office; expecting a clergy with a white collar, not some hick with a cowboy hat and boots. I sat in his office; he opened up a Bible and began to read. He asked me if I believed in what he read. I said, “Yes” to all he asked me. He then said, “Well, you just need to repent and trust in Jesus.” He also told me he wanted to introduce me to a friend, who had abortions like me. He felt that she and I would be able to relate. He invited me to church on Dec 15, 1987, and the next day I got to meet this friend. I felt hope! I felt great! I could come to church and they accepted me even with all my sins! I thought I was going to have to confess all my wrongs. I knew I could not remember them all, what a relief to know I did not have to do all that to come to Church, I thought. I looked forward to meeting the woman who had gone through my abortion experiences the following day. I remember coming to church and feeling good. Alicia was with me and I could feel the warmth from the people. I sat up front and listened to the sermon, every word seemed to speak to me, and tears filled my eyes. After the service they introduced me to a woman who was radiant and warm, immediately my spirit fought this meeting. Confusion, anxiety and chaos filled the area of our meeting. It was as if we were in the ocean and a wave hit us both and toppled us over. She knew I was in a battle and quickly secured a meeting time with her at her home the next day. I loved this woman and hated her at the same time! She irritated me and I could not figure out why. Despite my feelings, I promised her that I would come to her home the next day and visit with her. For a day, I struggled with going see this woman. I dreaded it, and because I smoked, I fought against that loss of that comfort. My thoughts bombarded me with all kinds of reasons not to go, but something in me desired to know more, and I headed to her little home in the snow that evening. I knocked at her door and she welcomed me in with her husband. Her home was warm and cozy; there was a feeling of peace upon it that I had never sensed. All my defenses fell away as she began to share her own story of her past with abortions. Then she taught me about the Gospel of Jesus and how to be born-again. She asked me if I wanted to receive Christ as my Savior and I said “YES!” Then I immediately felt my shame lift and joy filled my heart! She asked if I wanted to be filled with the Spirit of God. I said, “Sure, I want it all!” So, they prayed that I would be filled with the Spirit and somehow I began to speak in tongues. I knew something had wonderful happened because my normal insatiable craving to smoke a cigarette was gone! For the five hours prior to receiving the Spirit in her home, I could not wait to get in my car and smoke. But once the Spirit of God came in, the craving and desire left me. I knew that I had an encounter with God. Not only that, my eyes were suddenly opened to sin like never before! I saw the world for what it was. I was even ashamed that my neckline was low and began to pull it up. It was as if I had been asleep and the lights suddenly turned on brilliantly! I knew the truth, and I even now craved more of it. When leaving, I got in my car full of joy and drove off! When I saw my cigarettes, I threw them out the window and have never smoked since. That day was Dec 17, 1987! She gave me a bible, and when I got home, I began to read and read and read. I could not put it down and would spend hours in it in amazement! The church had two weekly services I attended, and I was at church whenever I could get into the doors. I remember sobbing every time, and I almost hated the singing, because I would ruin my make up by weeping through the songs. I rarely sung before, in my home when you sang you were told to shut up! I loved to sing, and it was in the singing that my heart began to melt. About this time, my old boyfriend got ahold of me and I told him that I was now a Christian and that He needed to repent. I gave him a Bible and that was the last time I spoke with him. My heart was deeply broken by him, and still in a million pieces still despite my conversion. I longed for love, yet my heart was so wounded by all that I had gone through. I knew I had a better life, but at the time, Jesus could not fix the ache in my heart for companionship. I was a single mom, and everyone kept telling me to keep my eyes on Jesus and he would provide. I loved being at church and the people that surrounded me were my new family. I had never known love like this. I did not know how to receive love like that which I was getting, and I felt awkward. My emotions seemed up and down and I cried all the time, I had severe headaches that did not help. Again, I was told it was just all the changes and stress. I began to think about moving out of Alaska, and making a new fresh start somewhere else. Perhaps if I leave, my heart can mend better I thought. Against everyone’s wishes, I decided to move to southern California; the area where my great Uncle and Aunt lived in Fresno. I packed up all my belongings and drove with Alicia to California. I was a wreck, stressed, frequent headaches and forgetful periods of hysteria; it was by God’s grace I was able to drive alone from Alaska to California with a four-year-old child. I arrived in there and immediately connected with a church family, and found a job working at the airport in reservations. I was under a lot of stress, but hopeful. I found a sitter for Alicia and things seemed to be looking well for us. What I noticed was that I would forget things often, like turning off the stove, iron, and locking doors. I even ran into a glass window while walking towards it. Friends where telling me that I was not paying attention when they talked, and my job said I was forgetting things. I could not figure out why, and I was getting worse and worse, the headaches especially. I remember calling a doctor to tell them about my symptoms, and they said I was just under stress. I wanted to believe them, but deep inside I knew something was deeply wrong with me. I began to wonder if God was punishing me for all I did and that I was experiencing his wrath for my sins. As a new Believer, I had not learn yet to surrender all my life to God, and would fall into sexual sin with men, but fears of what I was doing began to trouble me. This lust addiction was hard to break, and even when I willed myself not to succumb, I gave into it. Shame and guilt became my tormentors. I would do ok, but then when a man would take me out and get close, I would become weak and unable to resist his advances. I beat myself up, saying, “Why? Why? Why am I so weak?” I tried harder and harder to be good and attend church events, the headaches grew to where I was laid up for two days at a time with them. My neighbor gave me some Vicodin but it did not help. One day while I was at work at the airport a man came up frantically with his ticket shaking it in my face and suddenly my head exploded. I began to throw up and ran to the bathroom crying, “Help me, I am dying.” I curled in a ball on the bathroom floor and medics rushed me to the nearest hospital. They checked my purse for drugs and found caffeine pills, and asked me if I was on drugs. I yelled something at the doctor and vaguely remember signing some papers. I was taken to another wing of the hospital and put in a room. I cried and cried lying in bed waiting for a doctor, but no one came. I managed to crawl out of bed and crawl down the hall to the nurses’ station. I saw a sign that said “Therapy room.” I asked where I was and I begged for something for my headache. The nurse said, “You are suicidal and are being held for 72 hours, now go back to your room.” I was in shock, and could barely talk. The pain in my head was so great I could not even think. I begged them for Aspirin, and they threw me a package on the floor. Weeping, I crawled back to my room. I could not even think or reason my head hurt so bad. I found a towel to get wet in the bathroom and wrapped it around my head. I lay in bed crying because pain was so over whelming! A nurse stopped by and asked me if I wanted to go to therapy, I cursed at her! I got mad, something in me rose up and I knew I had to get out of that place somehow. I began to threaten the nurses that I was going to call the TV stations and tell them I was being held against my will. So I did, I found a phone book and called everyone I could find, and told them to please help me. Then I thought about calling my pastor. I told him what happened, and he came and took me into his custody. I just wanted something for my headache, I could not wait to get home and take the Vicodin I had to stop the pain. I was home for about 4 hours and then I went into full seizures, and my head hurt so bad I had to wrap it in a towel while I screamed in pain. My poor daughter age 4 had to go to the neighbors and ask them to call an ambulance for mommy. The ambulance came, and this time I told them that “I was not crazy, I am very sick, do not take me to the other hospital and please check my head.” I passed out. The next thing I remember was the sound of knocking from x-ray machines and lying flat strapped to a table unable to move. My head hurt so bad it felt like it was going to explode, the pain was beyond bearable and I gritted my teeth in pain. I remember thinking, “This is what it is like to die! I was afraid, because I knew that I was not living my life right before God.” I focused in, and tried to talk to God in my mind, to prepare myself for heaven, or hell I wasn’t sure. Suddenly out of nowhere, I hear my name, “Liiissssaaaaaa”! It spooked me! It was like a lightning bolt of power went right through me. The pain ceased, and I was suddenly in the presence of the Lord! Righteousness, love, holiness, mercy, and truth all proceeded from Him! It was like the power of water rushing down a waterfall and lightening at the same time! I was frightened and I immediately wanted to hide. My true intents were exposed and I could not hide! I was undone, and I knew it within seconds of hearing my Lord speak my name! I was ashamed! He knew me and all the bad in my heart; I felt suicidal and wanted to die. My heart broke and I just subsisted there for a while. Then what took place next has forever etched in my heart... Christ began to weep. He was sad and He wept over me. Why, I thought? He was sad because He loved me! I had no idea how much He loved me. He said, “You don’t know really know my love and how much I love you.” Then He said, “I have a plan for you, and you are going to be okay.” There I was expecting to be condemned; snuffed out! I truly deserved it! Instead, He was weeping over me! “Why?” “How can it be?” I thought. The next thing I remember was waking up to a doctor at my side. He said, “You have a big tumor and showed it to me in the x-rays.” He said he would not know if it is cancerous, until after I had surgery. He said He only knew one doctor who could perform this surgery with any success, and he is in Alaska. I marveled and said, “Great, I am going to be okay, let’s get this thing out.” The doctor tried to explain how bad it was, but I was just happy that I was not going nuts as I had thought! I clung to hope, and those precious words of grace God gave me in my vision, “You are going to be okay, and I have a plan for you” It was like I was Moses, and the brightness of Gods glory was so great! I just believed and what God said would happen. The anointing from being in the presence of the Lord was so strong, it caused me to give up all I had and believe! For the first time in my life, I had no fear, no worries, and I did not think of myself. Driven from then on to only think about others, I could not wait to be well so I could reach out to the world with this love I had encountered. As we all have heard, Gods plans are not always as they may seem to us. His, “You’re going to be okay” did not turn out quite as if I had imagined it. I had to fly up to Alaska in a wheel chair. Some good news was that tests revealed that I was dominate on both sides of my brain, and left handed. That meant that I would not lose all my cognitive abilities, and may not be a vegetable. Either way, I ignored all what the doctors said, and remembered what the Lord spoke to me. However, God and I had different ideas about what “okay” meant. I awoke after surgery and realized that I was in big trouble when I could not figure out how to tie my shoe! Now I know, God was trying to show me something and it really had little to do with my brain tumor. He was showing me that I needed deep healing in my heart not my head to be okay! The suffering of the brain tumor brought out the real issues; that was my soul was damaged! As He healed my soul, my body would follow. All along I was thinking my problem was my brain tumor, but God showed me the problem was my heart, and the tumor was a manifestation of sick heart. As God began the long grueling process of breaking though this ordeal in me, He gave me a special gift because of the brain surgery. I did not know I had this amazing gift until 6 months after my surgery I set out to a find job; any job. I could not keep lying around and do nothing. I became mad at God and said, “God, you said I was going to be okay, but I am messed up and need some work.” So, I looked in the paper, and spotted an advertisement for a job that I thought I could do. It was a part-time ad agency position taking pictures of artist hand drawn ads, making them smaller to be cut and pasted into newspaper advertisements. I did not realize that this job would reveal my secret gift from God, but it did. I saw that staff artists were having fun drawing, and I thought to myself, “I bet I could draw too.” So, I took a pen and drew a pair of sneakers. Much to my utter amazement and the rest of the crew, I drew them perfectly, so much that they put them in the advertisement! Within three months on this job, they hired me as a full time illustrator! God has His sense of humor, and perhaps He knew I would question our encounter, so He left me with a supernatural gift to draw and paint so that I would never forget or question His hand upon my life. image

God restored my health and gave me a career and purpose. Today, I live a radically changed life by the grace of God. I am an artist, and I run a custom framing business. Yes, I am okay now, and He has a plan for me that I am living out. It’s a life telling many others of the forgiveness and love of Christ to all who will listen! Most of all, I am healed by the power of His love from the abuse and abortions. I confessed my sins and He has washed me white as snow from them all. I can now feel love and give love, and I know that the power of God can heal and give us life…….life more abundantly! I am living proof of Jeremiah 29:11-13 that says, “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.” All who come to Jesus in humility and truth will find life, just as I have.

Lisa Mother, Artist, Servant of God Most High.

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Chewing gum theology

When you read the Bible, do you read it simply to get through it? Or do you read it with a sense of expectation looking for something God wants to speak to you about ?    I have found if we read for the wrong motive it totally changes things. It may become a drudgery, inconvenience, or something we just must do as some religious exercise.  Even for one born-again of God, this can be a trap that makes your "feeding on the bread of life" like chewing gum.  Something you chew on casually, taste a little and then spit it out once the bold flavors are absent. The end result is meaningless.

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God wants to transform our lives through intimacy with him. Like Moses, we cannot spend time with God and not walk away without his glory shining from our lives. If you are not moved, then you did not swallow the truths of who He is and his call on your life. You chewed and spit him out.  This reminds me of my 2 year old grandson, who often chews a new food we give him, that don't suit his taste or texture preferences, and then he pushes it all out of his mouth with his tongue, never swallowing it. The Bible is God-breathed and as such is living an active and will nourish our souls, if we will learn to enjoy it's flavors and swallow.  It penetrates both the physical and spiritual realms of life. It is not supposed to be like chewing gum, but to be solid meat for the soul. We must desire God in this life so much as to be like a deep hunger to a starving man. Holy Spirit indwelling causes those who are the Lords to want to consume him...to hunger to know him and follow his every word. We should naturally hang our lives in balance to hear the next word from our sovereign Savior !    Why would we even say we want heaven and all the glory of seeing Christ face to face and being forever with God in all his beauty and not really have any passion to know him and obey him today? He is God; Our Creator, and full of endless wisdom and love and has good plans for our welfare and our future with him. He speaks through his Word as the Spirit in us makes it alive and guides us in truths that will direct our steps in daily life applications.

Read your Bible books and learn the context first.... Then Slow down... Stop and think and search paragraph by paragraph, sentence by sentence, about some truths God is wanting to apply to some part of your life today. But you got to slow down and listen for that still small voice that is speaking.

God is speaking. Are you listening?

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