And today I lost it...mostly in my own head this time, thankfully. I think lots of you have this false idea of me and who I am because Facebook, Instagram posts, and blogs can be deceiving. Sometimes the words "awesome" or "amazing" are used to describe me, but that couldn't be more inaccurate. When walking in the flesh (which I do too often) I tend to deal with anger issues. Maybe that is a learned behavior from my childhood, maybe it is because I don't lean on God enough, maybe that is just part of being human or maybe it is a little of each? I'm not sure, but today I was ready to snap. I could basically feel it from the time I woke up.
If you follow us on FB you are probably aware that we've been sick and by "we" I mean about half of our household which is equal to about 50 people. Headache, body aches, tummy aches, vomiting, chicken pox (yes about 25 of us have chicken pox), malaria, low blood which required hospitalization, dental issues, eye sight issues and a major open heart surgery is still needed. It is kind of A LOT to deal with, process, keep up with, pay for, pray for and, and, and. Today I'm simply overwhelmed and a bit angry.
So today Jeff is sick, who's been sick or feeling unwell for the last week or so and we had an application to return via email for Wayne and the surgery he needs. Easy peasy right? Everyone knows how to email and attach a document or two. Well it wasn't so easy for me. First I couldn't get into Jeff's computer because apparently the password had been changed and I didn't get the memo, so I had to ask one of our children for it. Once I finally I got in the computer and I couldn't figure out how to scan the needed documents. Our printer is a little too simple and so it isn't as easy as it should be. Finally I figured out how to scan the documents but then I couldn't actually see them on the computer because a "language software" was needed even though everything was in English. Downloaded the "language software" and got it installed, but now I can only scan one document at a time and can't combine them into one file, so sorry for the 8 email attachments 🤦🏻♀️.
Somewhere in the middle of all that I just snapped! WHY? Why can't this just be easy? I'm not going to lie, sometimes my head goes to a place of "This life is SO hard that (I feel like I deserve) parts of it should just be easy, easy for easy things should be mandated somewhere!" Scanning a few documents and emailing them back should be easy! Finding a place and a Dr to do a very much needed open heart surgery should be easy! Finding medication to ease normal tummy discomfort should be easy, yet I get an antibiotic when I go to the chemist 🤦🏻♀️. Chicken noodle soup, which Jeff thinks is a requirement when sick or feeling unwell should be easy, but we don't have canned soup here. Can something's just be easy so it makes the harder things seem easier?
I feel like I deserve...yikes, I hate that! I deserve death because I'm a sinner and fail daily, multiple times a day. I don't deserve for anything to be easy, good, or handed to me. But there I was so frustrated, so angry that I felt like I deserved for parts of my life to be easy because I do hard things daily.
Then later on during the day I'm having to do extra work because I didn't think a form we created all the way through before we put it to work. I'm having to go back and find the dates which certain items were paid, because apparently book keeping is important when you're a missionary. Not hard at all, just time consuming and it could have been avoided so that made it annoying. So I'm writing the date for that receipt 7/27/98...98!? Yeah I'm back in 98...why? Today is Kyle's 21st birthday and holidays and birthdays are hard when you have to leave others behind. It doesn't get any easier, we don't miss family less, we don't long to celebrate birthdays and holidays with them less. Just because I wasn't walking around burdened over missing another birthday didn't mean it wasn't burdening my heart.
Today was a bit of a "perfect storm" for me. I woke up with a heavy heart, but put on a good face while the anger continued to build. I'm missing Kyle, worried about Wayne's heart surgery and how we will pay for that, stressed over 50 (and counting) sick children and a sick husband. While I could totally beat myself up over my anger, I'm a little bit proud that for the most part it all happened inside my head. I didn't fire anyone, I didn't snap at Jeff or the kids. I mainly just threw a mini temper tantrum in my head. I desperately miss the adult children and their lives we left behind.
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4 ESV